Friday, June 10, 2011

It's All About Trust

Here is the thing, getting blown off by someone is normal fact of life in the kink world. 

You set up a time to play, you spend time chatting with someone, then when the time they agreed to show up comes they just don't arrive. For whatever reason they didn't show up, they tend to follow up with silence out of embarrassment or shame for being a flake in the first place. 

It happens. And everyone I talk to seems to think their own city is the biggest hot bed for flakes. 

Certainly happned to me a few times. Get the play room ready, got into gear and been all set, then the time for them to show and no one is there. It can be very frustrating. 

But for me, it is more than frustrating, it ruins trust. And just like the sub should be doing his research to ensure the Dom is sane, safe and knows what he is doing in order to turn over all control, similarly the Dom needs to trust a few things of the sub. 

The Dom needs to trust that if something in the scene is going wrong that the sub will communicate that and not just think only with his dick.

The Dom needs to trust that the sub is giving consent to everything in the scene, and not change their mind half way through, or after it is all over, thus turning the entire thing into non-consensual and therefore potentially criminal issue.

The Dom needs to trust that the sub is actually communicating limits and desires (or a true desire to not have limits or desires enter into the equation of the scene) and that the sub isn't going try to ruin the Dom's reputation by saying making up deficiencies that never really were communicated. 

I could go on, but ultimately the point is that the Dom needs to know that the sub is going to listen and be honest back. 

So when a sub flakes and doesn't show, it indicates a lack of trustworthiness on the subs part. So when someone flakes, they are showing me that everything after is likely to not go well either. 

Also, there are some number of guys, small number though it may be, that actually get off and using their looks, age, or body to lure in Doms to pay attention to them, then get off on knowing that nothing is ever going to happen while they sit at home smiling to themselves. The problem is, the Dom can't tell the difference between this type of sub and one that just chickened out.

As such the rule I have is, once that trust is broken I never give the sub another chance. I have far too many people that I can and do play with regularly, as well as a great partner that I can play with anytime, to ever consider wasting my time with some who has already proved to me that they can be a flake. 

Is that how I will feel about the sub forever? Likely not. But I am not really interested in spending the time trying to create the opportunity for the sub to get the trust back. There are other boys out there who haven't flaked and are looking for the chance to submit. 

So when I tell a sub that has flaked that I am not interested, it isn't because I think they are a bad person or may not be fun to play with. 

I just don't trust them. And it's all about trust.


  1. What a great post. I've had this happen to me a couple of times, and this is a great perspective on it. Much appreciated.

  2. That is a good post. I completely agree. The advent of technology has completely changed the dynamic for Networking and Negotiating. I think that's part of the reason I have a hard time playing with someone I haven't had a chance to interact with in a vanilla setting.