Saturday, December 10, 2011

A Personal Struggle

One of the reasons that I created this blog wasn't just to show porn pics and vids of my sex life, though there is a part of me that knows having to prepare content for this blog spurs me to think about my scenes and make them better. 

But the other component of the site was always supposed to be a personal exploration of my kink life as well. There are plenty of blogs out there that post one kink image after another, not really sharing anything of themselves. And I am not knocking anyone's choice to do that. But for me I felt that what makes a more compelling blog to follow is that there is some sort of connection to the author of the blog. 

And so in the beginning I endeavored to make this blog more personal and be an expression of who I am.

Lately I haven’t been doing that much.

There are still many aspects of my life that I don't share. My relation with my husband does come in here, but only to a point, as he and I have an intimate relationship that is too complex for ever putting into writing here. Also, I have made reference to my collared puppy a great deal on here, but there is a level of intimacy and complexity to our relationship that is not possible to express here, so for the most part I don't. 

My current struggle is having to do with motivation. 

There is a great deal I want to do. I want to go to the gym more often and finally get to a place where I can be comfortable with my body, something I have never felt (truly never, which is hard to say really). There is the next level to this site that I hope to initiate, but there is more work ahead than not and I get lost in the details. There are a lot of boys that I want to play with but I tend to focus only on the ones I have played with before, because it is easier than having to play with someone new.

I am just not motivated. And if it ever appears that I am it is because of a great deal of mental effort on my part to make it happen, and I am just tired.

There is an aspect of my life I rarely talk about here, my professional life. I don't think that it is appropriate for me to air my dirty laundry here, but I can say I am in strife with a couple people at work on a near constant basis, and the animosity, negativity, vindictiveness and constant game playing is taking its toll on me. In many ways my professional life is even more amazing than my sex life, as I get to participate in and be a leader in some incredible projects. But this other problem is making it hard to find the joy in anything that I used to.

The reality is that I am in a negative spot in my life. Despite having found the true love of my life and a home life that is comfortable. And despite that the most adorable and fun boy I have ever met is my collared pup. And despite the fact that I an amazing sex life, which I only share about half of here (not quite porn star level, but still). 

Despite all that I am in a negative place. I noticed it last night when at a smaller type of party with a friend. Something in me noticed that I am in a negative spot, as I was mostly cutting down things or stand offish at times. This issue at work is affecting everything I do, and even though I have great things in my life they are being affected by this one issue. 

It is hard sometimes to participate in things. We threw our own party, and I was both tired and dealing with this depression at the same time, so it felt at times as if I was not fully there at the party. I attended another party last week, and while it was fun, it was also apparent at least to me that I was holding back, not fully participating like normal. 

I am at a point where I wonder if I want to continue doing much play with anyone else other than the tight circle of friends I have. I have come to wonder if I should continue with this blog, or just let it pass along into the ether. I have come to wonder if it is time for me to let go over ever finding a Dom that I can embrace as a mentor, guide and someone I can explore my submissive side with. I have come to wonder if it is time for me to embrace my Dom side entirely and just let go of my submissive side altogether, something I know will happen one day but feels closer than the schedule I had planned. 

I don't know the answer to these questions, actually, and there is a part of me that needs to spend time thinking about them rather than just ignoring the issues and hope they go away. But nothing will get done until the work issue is resolved. 

Is there a reason I am sharing all this? Only one. Perhaps the struggles that creep into my sex life are similar to others, and what I go through can help others. 

But the main reason to share this here is to just get it written. To toss out into the universe these things that I am feeling rather than keep them bottled up.

And maybe then a path to something better can be found.


6 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. I've only been casually following you for a while and while not a good place to be, it's interesting to get a peek into the mind of someone I do admire from a distance and what is going through your head. It gives me food for thought in my own struggles that have many similar themes as yours (work creeping into the good aspects of life, body image issues, lack of submission opportunities, etc.)

    I started getting some of my thoughts out there a couple months ago and then withdrew and became cryptic for a variety of reasons but this definitely inspires me to let go of that and just get out what's on my mind.

    I wish you the best in getting through this struggle and finding ways to balance out the pieces of your life!

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  2. Believe me... I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've gone through this before, and still sort of am. You are definitely not alone. All I can say is that some time and reflection have recently given me some clarity. And cling on to those people that you do love. They are there to support you, and will be happy to do so.

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  3. Sparky -

    I know that when you have a professional life and that part of you experiences distress and conflict, its hard to separate that from other aspects of your life.

    You seem a talented man - able to switch companies doing something that you love. I do not know the particulars of your situation, but it might be time to set sail and find a better place. Change is hard, but you'll be a better man because of it.

    I wish you all the best of luck in your journey. Life is too short to let the a**holes of the world bring you down.

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  4. Acedia is insidious. It seems harmless enough, but in reality it is a thief that steals away that which we love in life. The things that once brought us joy become hollow, the activities that once brought us happiness become mechanical.

    Recognizing that this torpor is not normal is a good first step, understanding the root is the key to overcoming it. And it seems that you have already identified the problem. Life is about balance- try as we might to keep our work, social, private, and sex lives in order, problems in one will invariably seep into every aspect of our lives.

    Right now the chaos in your work life is taking its toll on everything else that is going well for you, you need to fix this. This is a tough economy right now, but it doesn't hurt to look for something new. Once you have some solid leads, pull your coworkers aside and tell them that you are tired of their psychological damage bringing their problems to your door step, sometimes you have to treat your coworkers like petulant subs and demonstrate your alpha-dog tenancies to make them behave properly. Be ready to change jobs if you have to, but giving up on this blog or you submissive side or anything else for that matter will not make the problem go away.

    But in all honesty, I do not think that I am telling you anything that you have not already realized.

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  5. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, man, it's good that you shared your feelings though cuz it helps to get weight off your shoulders sometimes.

    You know, it's easy to have one thing dominate your time and energy to where you don't feel like doing much of anything you usually do. Sometimes you gotta handle that one issue and push through it before you're ready to get back to things as usual.

    I think you need to take the dog by the ears and just focus on this issue at work, Sparky. I learned the hard way that when people treat you like shit and play games, it only gets worse and worse until you put your paws down and and make a change. Whatever that change is, is up to you and the options you have available to you. We couldn't know the details to be able to specify what options you have but I think you know what your options are at least on a rudimentary level.

    You seem like too nice and awesome of a person to put up with that kind of crap and you deserve to feel happy about the wonderful things in your life. Don't worry about the motivation, it will come when you don't have to put up with crazy shit all the time. Once you don't have that shit draining your energy I think you'll be much happier.

    This pup wishes you all the best Sparky, I hope things work out and you get to a better place :) *lix*

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  6. I realize it's been over a month since you posted this, but it's the first time I've really seen what I've been feeling expressed so well. I go to work, come home, and that's about it. My home is a mess and I don't do anything about it. A colleague asked me yesterday what I do for fun and I realized there isn't an answer to that question. I live alone and have few friends since I can't bother being social. Even the few fuckbuddies I had have drifted away. I can't tell you the last time I had physical contact with another guy. I want to, and I'm constantly checking online for the opportunity, but the idea of having to strip down in front of another man terrifies me. I hate the way I look. I constantly fantasize about a dom who'll force me to get in shape, someone to help me get my life in order--although I know I'd never voluntarily give anyone such control. I just can't trust anyone to that point.

    I don't really feel depressed. I've dealt with depression most of my adult life, and this is more a lack of motivation. I don't feel sad or upset. I just feel... nothing.

    Luckily my "arch enemy" at work left a few months ago and things have been great since then. I am respected at my office and soaring past my goals. But once I leave the office, I'm done.

    I know I need to do something. My shrink doesn't see a problem because he has been through depression with me, and that's not how I present myself now. I'm functioning in work, and that's the most important thing for me. My particular issue, though, is that I'm likely to lose my home in about five months.

    So, I'm aware I'm sort of babbling and I don't know if you'll ever see this comment on a post that's so old, but I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone. Sometimes I wish I was depressed in the classic sense. At least I can understand that. This just sucks.

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