One of the reasons that I created this blog wasn't just to show porn pics and vids of my sex life, though there is a part of me that knows having to prepare content for this blog spurs me to think about my scenes and make them better.
But the other component of the site was always supposed to be a personal exploration of my kink life as well. There are plenty of blogs out there that post one kink image after another, not really sharing anything of themselves. And I am not knocking anyone's choice to do that. But for me I felt that what makes a more compelling blog to follow is that there is some sort of connection to the author of the blog.
And so in the beginning I endeavored to make this blog more personal and be an expression of who I am.
Lately I haven’t been doing that much.
There are still many aspects of my life that I don't share. My relation with my husband does come in here, but only to a point, as he and I have an intimate relationship that is too complex for ever putting into writing here. Also, I have made reference to my collared puppy a great deal on here, but there is a level of intimacy and complexity to our relationship that is not possible to express here, so for the most part I don't.
My current struggle is having to do with motivation.
There is a great deal I want to do. I want to go to the gym more often and finally get to a place where I can be comfortable with my body, something I have never felt (truly never, which is hard to say really). There is the next level to this site that I hope to initiate, but there is more work ahead than not and I get lost in the details. There are a lot of boys that I want to play with but I tend to focus only on the ones I have played with before, because it is easier than having to play with someone new.
I am just not motivated. And if it ever appears that I am it is because of a great deal of mental effort on my part to make it happen, and I am just tired.
There is an aspect of my life I rarely talk about here, my professional life. I don't think that it is appropriate for me to air my dirty laundry here, but I can say I am in strife with a couple people at work on a near constant basis, and the animosity, negativity, vindictiveness and constant game playing is taking its toll on me. In many ways my professional life is even more amazing than my sex life, as I get to participate in and be a leader in some incredible projects. But this other problem is making it hard to find the joy in anything that I used to.
The reality is that I am in a negative spot in my life. Despite having found the true love of my life and a home life that is comfortable. And despite that the most adorable and fun boy I have ever met is my collared pup. And despite the fact that I an amazing sex life, which I only share about half of here (not quite porn star level, but still).
Despite all that I am in a negative place. I noticed it last night when at a smaller type of party with a friend. Something in me noticed that I am in a negative spot, as I was mostly cutting down things or stand offish at times. This issue at work is affecting everything I do, and even though I have great things in my life they are being affected by this one issue.
It is hard sometimes to participate in things. We threw our own party, and I was both tired and dealing with this depression at the same time, so it felt at times as if I was not fully there at the party. I attended another party last week, and while it was fun, it was also apparent at least to me that I was holding back, not fully participating like normal.
I am at a point where I wonder if I want to continue doing much play with anyone else other than the tight circle of friends I have. I have come to wonder if I should continue with this blog, or just let it pass along into the ether. I have come to wonder if it is time for me to let go over ever finding a Dom that I can embrace as a mentor, guide and someone I can explore my submissive side with. I have come to wonder if it is time for me to embrace my Dom side entirely and just let go of my submissive side altogether, something I know will happen one day but feels closer than the schedule I had planned.
I don't know the answer to these questions, actually, and there is a part of me that needs to spend time thinking about them rather than just ignoring the issues and hope they go away. But nothing will get done until the work issue is resolved.
Is there a reason I am sharing all this? Only one. Perhaps the struggles that creep into my sex life are similar to others, and what I go through can help others.
But the main reason to share this here is to just get it written. To toss out into the universe these things that I am feeling rather than keep them bottled up.
And maybe then a path to something better can be found.