Recently a reader of the blog sent in a letter seeking some help. With his permission I am sharing parts of his letter along with my response, as I hope that perhaps by sharing this others may also find something useful in there.
In the section below the reader's comments are in italics, my response is in brackets.
We have never met, but I have been a regular regular reader of your great blog since last July.
I have wanted to send this to you for some time as I respect your opinion but I always decided to wait. I guess I didn't have the nerve, until today. When I read your article about the pup who was asking what he has to do to find someone to own him or play with him, I was so moved by what you wrote. Even though there is a fun side to you when you share your play experiences with your blog readers, or when you review new gear, you do have a very authoritative, serious and concerning side that you share with others and that really inspires me. You are straightforward, honest, and when it concerns ones safety you are right to the point especially when it comes to playing by ones self. When you have time I would be truly appreciative for any comments you might be able to share with me. I couldn't be more honest in sharing this info with you.
[Thank you much, I do appreciate your kind words]
I once read in an entry on your blog how you said size and shape of a guy’s penis didn’t matter to you. I also read another entry “Age ranges, does it matter?” In writing to you today that is my basic question- in your opinion, from playing with the guys that you have played with through the years, does the size of a guy’s penis really matter to most other guys?
[It would be naive of me to say that the size of someone's dick doesn't matter to some guys out there. There are certainly a good number that it does. As far as if that is most guys, I can't say for certain. But my opinion is this. When looking through various profile sites there are a number of guys who mention "hung" as something that is important to them, but the number of profiles I have seen is relatively low]
For over 20 years, even though I have had opportunities to “play” with other guys or have serious relationships with some of them, I have suppressed my attraction for one main reason. During the past 20 years, when the opportunity presented itself to be with another guy I pulled back on the fear that the other guy would reject me because of my size. I never took the chance.
[One of the biggest rarities in the universe is a person without some sort of disadvantage that they must overcome. Now, we all know there are those that are blessed with stunning good looks, huge dicks, great personalities and privilated backgrounds, but even they have something within themselves that could potentially keep them back, that they must deal with. Fear of rejection, body issues, any number of things. I think that knowing we all are in the same boat, it makes it a little easier to deal with our own issues. As far as your own particular issue, this doesn't sound to me like something that should be holding you back]
I am at a point in life right now where my interest in guys is so intense that I am willing to take a risk, join sites like Recon and/or gay dating sites and see what happens. [you should definately do that] However, I still have the fear that if I were to meet another guy and things clicked, once the clothes come off, he would say something like “what the fuck is wrong with you?” and leave or tell me to leave.
[Just as with those that are living with being HIV positive, you should have some sort of conversation with the person you are interested in if you can, but it isn't always going to be the case that it is . But I really think that you are looking at this from an odd angle. Sure there are random hookups, but if someone did act like that why would you want to be with that person at all? And remember, they have some sort of thing they are concerned about exposing to you.]
When you first play with someone new, does the topic of size come up beforehand?
[Nope, not really, never has before]
What was your reaction if you ever played with someone who did have smaller “equipment”?. Did it just present a challenge to you to still have fun?
[my first boyfriend was very small. My second, was very large. I think that the was the last time I was concerned about it really]
I am so torn apart in wanting to know how important size might matter. Obviously there are guys who want nothing more to play with but a gigantic penis and set of balls, but from your experiences is that the norm? When two guys hook up through sites like Recon, is this topic discussed beforehand
To me, I do feel that what does matter is what’s inside of ones self- your inner being, your heart, your attitude, your caring etc. If I met a guy, equipment size would be near the bottom of the list of essentials- I would rather know what makes the guy tick.
[well, that would be an ideal world to live in if everyone was that way, but they are not. I personally believe that for gay men it tends to start off with sex and connection, then moves to deeper forms of intimacy that you are talking about.]
However I feel this might not be the standard for most guys.
[I recently heard about a study that showed 80% of people tend to favor the underdog in most sports, they want the team that is more likely to not win to be the winners, once you factor out the home team. We do this because we identify with the underdog, as we often see ourselves as the underdog. The one who has the odds against, the one who must over come. In a way, we all think we are the ones that are set apart from the rest of the herd. But that usually isn't true at all. You last statement I find to be a little off putting. The fact of the matter is I think that most gay men do care and do want to know what makes people tick. You are letting a prejudice purpetuated by a few to cloud your decision]
You have mentioned so many times in your blog that it takes a lot of hard work to find the right (and safe) people to play with. If it means that I have to just take a risk, join Recon and see what happens through trial and error, then I am willing to take that risk despite my personal problem. I know this might sound sick, but I can't be any more honest- in my house I have everything except the other guy to play with. Thanks to your reviews and videos, my collection of “toys” from Mr. S now takes up 8 drawers. To see what it really feels like, I recently even bought a sling and stand, and it is indeed comfortable but obviously I can only do so much in it by myself.
I am glad you have found the right toys to play with and ones that you find exciting, and you are right, it is time to get out there and find someone to play with. It may be difficult, and you may run into some rejection, but so what. There is a saying my mom says (she is a bit vulgar sometimes) that I think works for anyone that would reject you... "Fuck 'em!... or don't fuck 'em, that'll show 'em"
I will leave you with one final thing that may help. There are men out there who have smaller dicks that lead wonderful fulfilling lives with other people. They managed to find someone. It can happen, though it doesn't mean it has to happen. Find a way to get casual partners for now and don't worry about the long term. Also, there are couples out there that never have sex of any kind with each other, or may not have any kind of sex that requires the use of each others dicks, so the size is completely irrelevant. I know one couple where the Top will get a nightly blowjob from the sub, sometimes fists the boy or puts large toys in his ass, using the boy in a variety of ways, until the Top gets off, then leaves the boy alone to jerk himself off. He has never in the all the years they have been together touched the boy's dick at all. In that scenario does the size matter.
There are times when I play with boys that I know enjoy having something large in their ass, so I may use a cock extender type of device. They are like dildos and fit over what you have already. If those don't work there are strap-ons as well. I don't think that there is any shame in using them, and in fact they make it fun for me as well, as I can last longer and truly fuck the boy silly with them, and the sensation makes it fun for me too. Also, focusing on becoming someone who is good at receiving or giving great bondage, or electro, or rope work, or giving great head, taking whatever up the ass, etc., are all ways in which you could find sexual fulfillment without having to use your dick at all.
Truthfully, however, I suspect that if you look into your feelings a bit more and truly think this through you will find that you are more than likely focusing on this one thing out of a deep seated fear of rejection and that is holding you back. The size of your dick is merely something easy to think is the cause, and in fact makes it an external influence that you can't be blamed for ("most guys want big dicks and I don't have one, so I am not going to find someone to play with"), but the reality is that most of what holds us back is not the external but the internal. What you are feeling is holding you back, and that means you are the only one to solve it.
Get out there, be honest and forthright about who you are, what you can do and what you are looking for. Make yourself a happy person, and invest in yourself to be good at whatever it is that turns you on, and then worry about seeing if the right guy comes along, likely will.
And most of all, have fun with it.